Normal

I want to scream my lungs out.

I’m in pain.

Today started just like any Friday. My sister wakes me up very early to go out for breakfast, I stare to the ceiling before answering her and she gets the message; I’m still stiff and sore and I need some time to think if I can move from bed yet. Today however I said yes but we’ll go out for lunch instead.

It was an okay day to gather with my friends after so long but there’s always something about going out with my friends that makes my days bitter.

A while after we settled in they decided to cross the street to have dinner from a restaurant on the other side. They all gather to cross the street and I yell telling them I’m not doing that let’s take the car, But no.. they must call me lazy, tell me it’s not that far, that I need to move a little. I held my tears as I heard my sister whisper to my friend that I can’t walk and that friend goes like “Okaaay, I’m so sorry I totally forgot..you guys take the car..”

And that’s where that one story ends but there are billion different stories of the same content on different situations, there’s always reminder of how unwell I am. I don’t know how do I tell people that I’m not okay, that I can go out and talk and smile and fake looking completely normal but I’m not.

Being around my friends should lift me up and make me feel better but it doesn’t. I feel much worse around people. Like I’m trapped and this body is my cage.

How can I make someone understand that my pain is ongoing? that closing my eyes and biting my lips means that an electric shock is waving through my knees or a hammer fell on my feet?? I can’t scream or say anything other than holding my hands tight and hope no one would notice.

I reached to this point where I feel that even my doctor can’t understand what I’m going through every day.

This is not a living and I’m not okay.

 

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