You weren’t there

From sleepless nights in pain to positive test results, doctor appointments, upgrading to new medications and last to the ugly game of side effects…you were never there. Neither as a friend or a lover or an ex-lover.

I don’t care if you’re silently burning yourself to the ground with prayers for me to get better and I don’t know if your prayers are fueled by guilt for never being there or by absolute love. Either way they’re not enough and they’re not accepted.

So why do I always run back to you for comfort? Why do I include you as a hidden soldier in battles I have fought with an army of one man, Myself.

Now as I write this with my eyes bloodshot red and my heart pumping fear for my body to panic and collapse I realize that it wasn’t you, it never has been. It was the image I had of you and how I long to the person I am around you. Maybe I owe you a little for the effect you have to put me into that strong and independent version of myself and then again it wouldn’t have happened without me.

My rise and my demise, my darkest hours and my brightest days, the ability to conquer it all,  I owe this strength recognition to myself.

You were never there and I don’t think you ever wanted to be. I was stupid and foolish and that will go on no more.


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