How long does it take?

23rd of April 2017.

That day is still haunting me. Every flare or bad day I go through feel like it can’t get worse but then it gets worse the next time.

It’s 10:37 am, I’m at work and it’s still a long way to go. When I’m in pain I look for distractions, anything to keep my mind away from the hurting until I reach this level where I can’t function or think of anything but the amount of pain I’m in.

I can’t afford another sick leave this week, I skipped work on Monday and although my doctor advised to rest at home until today and update her with my status but my boss and I aren’t on the best terms to take more than one day off.

I thank god that my job is 15 minutes away from home and I never imagined in my life that I’d be thankful for having an “office” job but at this part of my life I do..

I’m more likely to skip my third mtx dose tomorrow because my fever and flu are still tearing my apart.

I ask , how long does it take to be okay? for the billion time I repeat to myself it’s going to be okay, it could’ve been worse and some people would give anything to have my health with all it’s flaws and missing pieces but what I can’t put in words is comparing myself to how I was and what I am today. Two years ago the future was so bright and I had a lifetime to achieve everything I want to but now I have to consider what tasks I’ll put on hold so I can make it to the movies in the weekend.

I am the reckless type, I like to live some days on the edge and experience everything but that’s hardly the case anymore.

I’m drained. A lot of days I’m invincible, so full of life and hope and some days stepping out of bed is my only achievement.


This is not a living..


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