Another Rant

Imagine sitting on a sofa made of cactus.

That’s what it’s like to live with a chronic illness. You’re forced to sit and there’s nothing else but cactus to sit on.

As I have mentioned in my previous posts, I do realize how blessed I am for my condition is discovered in a very early stage with mild symptoms compared to what late stages of RA would cause.

I do realize how blessed I am for so many things.

As I write this post I think of how silly of me to consider myself a warrior when I haven’t seen the ugly cruel side of chronic illnesses yet. and some days I  wonder if I am chronically ill or all of this is temporary and will go away in a matter of days. By June.17 it will be a year since my diagnosis.

Although until this day my diagnosis is still not 100% confirmed as RA and not 100% clear if it’s drug induced or genetic, not all of the written above  can tell me that the pain I’ve been and still going through every day is unreal.

You don’t know what is pain until you go through it.

And most days the pain is magnified not by its intensity, but by the surroundings and the downsides of being unhealthy.

Can I walk? Yes. all of my organs are well enough to walk and I don’t need a wheelchair * except during horrible flares*

Can I walk the miles I normally walked when I was *healthy* ? No.

Can I drive? Yes.

Can I drive three days in on a row and survive traffic? No.

Can I shower? Yes. But I need at least an hour after the shower to recover from the stiffness and the fatigue.

Can I do things normal people do? Yes. But I can’t do things normal people do the way normal people do them….

I’m 23 years old and every day I face another shitty situation that adds up another item in the “things that I love but can’t do anymore” list.

My dream of becoming an sfx artist is going down the drain because I need hours to recover from a simple photo-shoot.

I don’t know where is this going but I try to hold it together. I rarely discuss my pain and illness with friends and family because nobody would understand unless they’re going through the same thing. They would either assume you’re incapable of doing anything and keep you on the NO list. Or they’d assume you’re pretending, being dramatic, overrating, that you’re weak and still ask you to do impossible things.

I’m 23 years old and every day I watch life as it takes away everything I love away from me.


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