You’re not forgiven

10.15

I’m in the passenger seat of your chevy. Your suite case is still in the back, it hasn’t been 24 hours since you came home. You’re helping me by holding the mirror with one hand & the iphone torch on with the other, waiting until I put on my lashes and retouch my makeup.

It’s dark and there’s no one left outside but us. We’re late for the second ceremony and you’re yelling at me to hurry up. I glance your way and you give me that look with your effortlessly soothing smile and I never wanted to kiss you more in my life.

I hold myself.

 

01.16

Your hazel eyes are sparkling as you sing along to a song coming from a music channel, there’s nothing else on but the TV and the city lights shining like tiny candles to bright up our special night.

“You were so wild” you whisper to my ears and pursue with kissing my neck then pause to light up a cigarette “I’m not smoking if you’re not smoking” handing me your silver blue parliament pack like I’m officially yours.

We held hands as you drove me back home and for once it felt like you & I have a chance to conquer it all.

We didn’t.


03.16

I’m late and we don’t have much time left until I drop you back to work. I won’t see you again for months.

You tell me how much you’ve missed the ocean so I drive us there and we lose ourselves to the silence of waves, the clouds of smoke and the conversations we’re trying so hard to avoid.

“Nothing is enough for you, I don’t know what else do you expect me to do” You blame me, Again.

I manage to hold my tears from falling. Your words left me shattered, broken.

 

09.16

I haven’t seen you for six months. I took you to my secret place and I shouldn’t have. You never changed, instead you apologize and kiss my forehead expecting the warmth of your touch would heal my fragile soul. You made it all worse.

I can’t go to my secret place alone anymore. Your presence lingers there, mocking my wounded heart.

 

02.17

I don’t know how I ended up in a hotel room with my friend. He said he’s been fantasizing about me nonstop and I guess that was my last card to wipe your prints off of my skin.

I’ve tried so hard to stop the voices in my head and not imagine that masculine figure on top of me as your tiny soft body.

Unconsciously, I scream your name right before I reach orgasm and that’s when I realized I’m not yet over you.

 

I never came.

 

02.17 / 2

It’s been raining all day and rainy days make me sad, they remind me of you.

I don’t know when was the last time I heard your voice and I don’t know if you were sober then because you spoke to me like I’m the lover you so long to be with.

Lies.

The truth is I might still be head over heels in love with you but we’ll never be together because I’ve finally learnt how to walk around with that void in my chest, it’s sad but it’s my sadness to deal with. You however are not forgiven. Never will be.

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